So, as I started finally digesting the Buffalo Burgers I, as well as the team, gorged on this past Sunday, I started turning my focus and attention towards the New York (stupid) Jets. I tried to break down tape, but kept getting distracted. I would listen to press conferences but couldn't focus on the proper soundbytes. I even tried viewing pictures online but found myself drifting in a different direction and making other observations.

The direction I was drifting was towards Rex Ryans big fat gut. Mainly due to his gravitational pull, I assume, but since I was heading in that direction, I made many keen and acute observations about Rex Ryan that can be summed up in one four-word sentence.

Rex Ryan is fat.

But how fat is he really? I mean perhaps it is all of those NFL TV cameras making him look like a planet. Maybe he is as svelt as Tony Dungy in actuality? So I started looking into Rex Ryan's personal stats. And what did I find. That my theory is in fact, a fact.

Rex Ryan is obese.

But exactly how disgustingly fat and obese is Rex Ryan? Is he simply mall-joke-fat (you know, where you point and laugh at the fatty at the food court while his *** crack hangs out)? Or is he slightly pacadermish fat (where his heavy breathing makes it sound like he is an elephant trumpeting its mighty horn, even while sleeping)?

The answer, shockingly enough is quite disturbing. So, without further adieu, I present the REX RYAN IS FATTER THAN...GAME:

Is Rex Ryan fatter than...former Miami Dolphins defensive linemen Tim Bowens?

Answer:

Spoiler

Yes. Yes he is. Tm Bowens weighed around 325 lbs. during his playing days. Coach tubby tips the scales at a whopping 347 pounds. This means that this slobbingly looking fellow outweighs a football player that constantly battled his weight in his 10 year career. Way to go tubbo.

Is Rex Ryan fatter than...two full sized kegs filled with beer?

Answer:

Spoiler

Yes. Two full sized American kegs not only will get you and your friends blitzed, but are easier to transport to a party. A full sized keg with beer weighs roughly 170 pounds. Meaning that coach heart attack has got two of them beat by seven pounds. Or, the weight of his pinky finger.

Is Rex Ryan fatter than...every starter on his offensive line?

Answer:

Spoiler

Yes and no. Any two of them combined easily beat Ryan's weight individually. However, he is heavier than any of them individually. Their weights are as follows: Nick Mangold: 300, Brandon Moore: 305, Alan Faneca: 305, Damien Woody: 330, and D'Brickashaw Ferguson: 310. This means that Rex Ryan is better suited to play on the offensive line, than to coach it. Way to go, Fatty McButterpants.

Is Rex Ryan fatter than...the two current Sumo Grand Champions (Yokozunas)?

Answer:

Spoiler

Yes. Both of them. Jesus Christ Rex! You outweigh both Asahoryu Akinori (330) AND Hakcho Sho (340)? Both of whom, are Mongolian. Something Rex should know something about as he apparently eats Mongolian BBQ every day of his life.

Is Rex Ryan fatter than...an 18-wheeler tire?

Answer:

Spoiler

No, but barely. From what I can gather, a big rig tires weighs roughly 350 pounds, which means that Rex Ryan is the lighter one in this scenario, but only by about one or two lunches tops. The fact that I have to compare him against a big rig is disturbing in itself. Fatty.

Is Rex Ryan fatter than...a newborn baby elephant?

Answer:

Spoiler

Yes. And it isn't even close. A newborn elephant weighs around 250 pounds when it finally drops (22 month pregnancy!). Which means that Rex not only is heavier than an ELEPHANT, he isn't even in the same weight class. Coach gastric bypass should really think about switching to diet soda...

Is Rex Ryan fatter than...a full grown pygmy hippo?

Answer:

Spoiler

No. A full grown pygmy hippo typically weighs over 400 pounds. I suppose if you had a runt, it is possible for Sexy Rexy to beat it out. But for all intents and purposes, Rex wins this one. Congrats Lardking, you aren't a hippo...technically.

Is Rex Ryan fatter than, the amount of weight lost by Jared Fogle (the Subway Guy)?

Answer:

Spoiler

Yes and holy ****, it isn't even close either. Jared lost 240 pounds to get into the 190 range. Rex Ryan eats 240 pounds daily. The Jersey Jets coach really is a big bucket of yuck.

So how did you guys and gals do?

 

That depends on whenever I decide to post this over at jetnation. :shifty:

 

http://www.jetnation.com/forums/showthread.php?p=1404779#post1404779

Just posted so it might need some time to garner "intelligent" responses. Assuming it doesn't get shut down.

Fatty McButterpants isn't an original one from me unfortunately. I think I lifted it from an episode from King of Queens from about 10 years ago. The statute of limitations is seven years though, so I'm good. It is public domain now. :lol:

 

Yeah, no spoiler buttons, kind of makes the game a loser over there. I was thinking about just bypassing the game and stating facts, but overall, I still think it works.

Yeah, I think it is funnier to see them think it is a positive piece, only to be blindsided once they read.

 

I will admit that the Akebono line made me laugh though. For how ******ed that guy is, for him to know the American Sumo Champion was pretty impressive.

I am actually quite surprised that Mr. Gyno has never made his way over here.
Of course, he would be banned in two seconds. :lol:

 

Pretty sure Tony is ALL New Jersey. He simply has to be. New Yorkers just aren't that....Jersey-esque.