Samphin’s Manifesto: Emptying the Mailbag

Like a homeless man noshing on a three day old sandwich he found in the gutter, the Manifesto is back and ready to once again, turn your stomach inside out. It has been roughly an entire calendar year since this drivel has penetrated your pupils and finished in your frontal lobe. Foreplay aside, the offseason is over, preseason is quickly becoming the past and the 2010 Miami Dolphins are swimming their way towards their week one matchup against the hated Buffalo Bills.

But before the hungry wolves feed on the bloody corpse of Trent Edwards, A few questions still need to be answered. Questions that have been asked to me by members of www.thephins.com. Questions that can only be answered here in this very column. Questions that I made up for the sake of using some badly photoshopped pictures that I put together. Wait…nevermind that last one. On to the questions!

Hey Sam,
I am a big fan of you and colors
The key to this season is Brandon Marshall in my opinion
But what the **** are those things on his arms?

The 23rd

Brandon Marshall has certainly made some waves since he was traded to the Dolphins this offseason. From dropping passes to dropkicking footballs and even dropping hints of playing John Paxson to LeBron’s Scottie Pippen, Wade’s Toni Kukoc and Bosh’s Bill Cartwright, Marshall is never one to shy away from creating a stir amongst the media and fan base. The latest inquiry for useless information in the Brandon Marshall universe is what exactly, is the purpose of the tape/bandages/wraps on his arms?

Conventional wisdom would lead one to think that it is Kinesio Tape, made popular in the sports world by beach volleyball. A sport that also gave the world this.

But after doing some investigative reporting, it turns out that this is NOT Kinesio Tape at all. In fact, when Brandon Marshall moved to South Beach, he was able to score some endorsement gigs with local vendors of various products. It turns out that Marshall has loaned his name and likeness to a line of feminine hygiene products that he plans on marketing to defensive backs across the AFC East.

It makes sense when you think about it. After all, once a month or so during the season he will leave Patriots, Jets and Bills players tired, out of breathe, cramping and suffering from mood swings. Rumor has it that the holdout of New York Jets cornerback Darrelle Revis centers around whether or not B-Marsh will provide some complimentary samples or if Revis will have to pay for them.

Yo Sammie,
I can’t understand why Pat White is not getting a fair shake at the QB position. Did he kneel on Bill Parcell’s tuna sandwich or something?

Drunkenly yours,
Padre31

No, he didn’t kneel on Bill’s lunch. It turns out that Pat White just flat out sucks. He sucks out loud and couldn’t even pass a kidney stone if needed. He sucks so bad that the coaching staff can’t even trust him enough to put him in games that don’t mean anything. But it isn’t just the coaching staff, media, management and the fans that are down on him. Even his teammates hate him. If you don’t believe me, lets see what quarterback Chad Henne thinks about Pat White’s performance so far in camp.

Dear Sam,
I LOVE Sean Smith and want to have his stoopid babies. What?
What do you think he is doing right now?

Arriba,
Unluckyluciano

Well little missy, I am sure Sean Smith is both flattered and surprised that a 13 year old girl is the president of his fan club, but I can assure you that he will never read the letters you have sent him since it is apparent that he can’t even read defenses. I did read a tweet of his earlier that led me to believe that he was trying to escape becoming something that he has been turning into over the last two years.

*UPDATE* He just posted a twipic of himself.

Hiya Sam!
From a coaching standpoint, what does Tony Sparano have that I don’t? I mean, golly gosh, I have been running my fingers through my hair for two years now trying to figure it out. If you look at it from a QB standpoint, he doesn’t have nearly the talent that I secured in Jay Fiedler and Ray Lucas. Oh and he foolishly spent his draft picks on rookies as opposed to obtaining veterans like Lamar Gordon and AJ Feeley. Darn it, I don’t understand!

Standpoint,
Dwanny#9isgawd

First of all, say hi to Jimmy Johnson for all of us. And make sure you wave a one fingered hello to yourself next time you look in the mirror. But to answer your question, I really don’t know myself. I think holding players responsible for their play, treating them fairly and knowing how to make adjustments and working the clock effectively may have something to do with it. It also may be tied into the fact that Coach Sparano does not allow himself, or his team, to be caught in bad situations. Whether it is on the field or in a press conference, Sparano leads by example by never allowing himself to even be photographed showing any type of weakness or being in any situation where players and coaches across the league would ever lose respect for him.

Oops.

Until next time…

Next Game: Friday, August 27th vs. Atlanta Falcons 7:30 p.m. Eastern