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Should I move on or hang on?

Discussion in 'Outreach Forum' started by Aqua4Ever04, Nov 11, 2014.

  1. Aqua4Ever04

    Aqua4Ever04 Write Travis Write Club Member

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    I thought I was a changed person that grew up to deal with relationship problems better but talking to people is still the best way for me to deal with it so here goes:

    I've been seeing this girl for two months. Things got serious very quickly. We identified a lot of core beliefs in each other early and fell in love very early. We became exclusive pretty quickly and started saying the three words pretty quickly. At first, I would come over and go home at night but just about a week in she told me she didn't want to sleep without me anymore. So I stay over at her house every night, has been that way for a while.

    Now when we first started out, almost all of our text conversations were, "I miss you" or "I wish you were here" something to that effect. We sometimes talked about real stuff but it was mostly the mooshy, gooshy stuff. She was always posting on her Facebook about how she loved our dates and how great I was, how I did amazing things for me. All the while she told me she wasn't this super affectionate person but I didn't believe her because she was still doing it.

    About three weeks in, these things slowed down. We were having regular sex but she said she didn't want that to be what our relationship was all about so we needed to cut back and it became like once or twice a week. That was when thing started getting weird. I didn't understand it and would talk about it all the time. It caused a fight usually and she would say she would wish I could understand that she wants more with me. She wants a life, a partner, that kind of stuff.

    We eventually got passed it and it's not really an issue any more. However, around that same time, her long time medical issues flared up (she has severe kidney issues) and she would be grumpy or just not happy. I still loved her and was there for her but her lack of affection and appreciation for things I did made me concerned. I'd often want to talk about our relationship and why things changed. It became an every other day thing and it kind of continues up to today. It has been a strain on us both because she insists nothing is wrong but things are COMPLETELY different.

    She never kisses me on her own, she never initiates sex, she never posts on her FB about me, she doesn't send me the "I miss you texts any more." Everything just seems to have turned miserable from her point of view. Now she said one time when talking about this that we got too complacent, didn't ever go out on dates, and got comfortable. And that I stopped sending her the "I miss you" texts (and I did because I always wanted her to send them first because she showed a lack of interest when we were actually together.)

    So this had been a problem for a while but she continually reassured me that if she didn't want me around, or that if she wasn't interested in me, that I wouldn't be around. I need to relax and just trust in our relationship and that she truly believed we had a good relationship.

    I mean she would still do little things here and there and it seemed like if I was just my happy, joyous self, but gave her her space, she would eventually come around and cuddle up with me or give me a kiss or whatever. So I told myself to be myself because that's who she fell in love with but just distance myself a little bit to make her miss me more - if you will.


    So I adopted this strategy and things started looking better. Sunday was fantastic as hung out all day, she was cuddly, and gave me the attention that I crave (I know, I'm a woman, but that's just how I am.) My new strategy seemed to be working and I went into work yesterday very happy.

    She got grumpy again last night because something "happened" and she was going to tell me about it later. I wound up going to her house around 9:00 and she said she didn't really wanna talk so I just sat by her and was there with her.

    This is where my curiosity got the best of me. I suspected the worst so I grabbed her phone this morning and noticed some texts to two people. She told two of her friends about what happened last night (turned out to be something completely unrelated) but one was her best girl friend and the other was a dude.

    Now this dude is someone she has told me is one of her close friends and favorite people in the world. Whatever. She can have friends, I don't care. So I look through the phone and they had barely talked at all since we met and the time they did, it was actually about me and how I treat her well, so I was happy. She had gone to lunch with him last week and told me about it so I trust her, no big deal right?

    Then I get to the texts from last night and she talked to him about the thing that happened and he screen shotted her text convo and said I still love when you text me. The reason being was that it was a picture of her wonderfully plump *** in a sexy thong. So obviously they've been intimate/physical in the past, whatever, that's not something I can get mad about. But what irritated me was that she just said, "LOL, you're lucky I love you."

    Shouldn't she have told him that wasn't okay or something? I don't know. The other thing that got me pretty bummed out today was I check out this mother ****er's facebook page and she liked his last like three posts. Meanwhile, I wrote this sweet little thing on her FB Sunday morning and she didn't bother to comment or like it. I mean I know this is petty ****, but seriously, wtf?

    So between the distancing the last few weeks and now this odd behavior with a former fling, (now I know she's not cheating because she's either at work, with her son or with me) but I just worry that something is brewing there. So between it all, I'm pretty left in the dark.

    And she texts me every morning but today she didn't say anything until 11 AM and just said something short and irrelevant like usual. She still hasn't told me about what put her in this bad mood last night (I only know because I snooped) and while it wasn't something to do with us, it hurts my feelings that she would find comfort in these friends over me.



    Damn that was a book and I still feel like I've omitted a lot of detail.

    And, as usual, whenever I have to write "these" posts, I usually know the answer but I just seek confirmation. I don't know, man. I want her to be different. She's ridiculously sexy, she's AWESOME when she's not in physical pain or exhausted from the day and she WAS doing things that made me really happy. She just isn't making me happy like she was at the start. And talking to her about it is out of the question because that's probably a huge reason we've gotten to this point, because we talk about it too much.

    I'm thinking I need to give her some space and let her miss me more. Let her realize that the man she fell so hard for is still here and that she's taking it for granted. But then I worry that giving her space would push her towards other homeboy. I don't TRULY believe there's something going on there but my insecurity makes me fear that something could happen.
     
  2. Ohiophinphan

    Ohiophinphan Chaplain Staff Member Luxury Box

    She is in love with the idea of being in love. Long term despite what she says is not in her DNA. She loves the new. Not sure this one can be brought back?
     
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  3. Aqua4Ever04

    Aqua4Ever04 Write Travis Write Club Member

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    I even mentioned that when we first started dating. She was always going on about how she'd given up on looking for "guys like me." Like she wasn't meant to be happy and that she'd have to settle. Then she met me and that all changed. One time when she said she loved and how long it's been since she had that. I asked her, "Do you think that's the reason you love me? Because you've wanted that for so long?"

    It really upset her. She cried pretty much all morning for me suggesting that thought.
     
  4. Ohiophinphan

    Ohiophinphan Chaplain Staff Member Luxury Box

    Aqua, we have never met nor are we likely to ever meet. Yet I have come, through your writing to feel like I know you at least a little bit. You want to give and receive love. Most of us do but you sound like you have a deep need.

    I'm afraid that sets you up to try to "fix" good yet vulnerable folks. While that is a noble goal it can get you in trouble.

    This girl is "broken". OK lots are but her "game" is to find someone to fix her. Except she will sabotage the effort.

    Maybe she has a lousy self image or something along those lines but she can't get well until she works her issues out and stops trying to have others do it for her. She needs counseling strongly and I recommend you talk to someone face to face about your needs and issues. You seem pretty self aware and I bet getting things talked out could be a benefit.
     
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  5. Aqua4Ever04

    Aqua4Ever04 Write Travis Write Club Member

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    Much appreciated. I must say you're spot on with all of that.
     
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  6. GridIronKing34

    GridIronKing34 Silently Judging You Club Member

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    Don't play games... Just talk to her. If things don't pan out then so be it.

    Don't waste your time.
     
  7. Fin D

    Fin D Derp Sherpa

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    Travis, life and by extension, love, is not complicated.

    That's not to say that nothing is difficult or hard. Many things are...but they are not complicated.

    As you said, you know what you have to do, so its not complicated...just hard.

    No matter what happens in life, like with this (or with your friends like you talked about before).........be open & be honest. There is no situation you cannot come out for the better in the long run if you were honest, open and willing to make the right choice even if its hard. That's the magic formula to life, cause life is not complicated.
     
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  8. GridIronKing34

    GridIronKing34 Silently Judging You Club Member

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    Travis, I know listening to Fin D is tough. But if you read his post in Morgan Freeman's voice, it makes it easier.
     
  9. Sethdaddy8

    Sethdaddy8 New Member

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    Aqua...I'm going to tell you something that I should have told you a looooong time ago... Way back to your very first love sick thread.

    [video=youtube;g2jAwiq6YsE]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2jAwiq6YsE[/video]
     
  10. MikeHoncho

    MikeHoncho -=| Censored |=- Club Member

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    Aaaaah. That makes sense.

    All this time I'd been reading it in a William Shatner voice.

    Sent from my Transformer TF101 using Tapatalk 4
     
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  11. MikeHoncho

    MikeHoncho -=| Censored |=- Club Member

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    Dump her. Clear as day.

    The longer you go on with this one, the less time you will be able to give to the right one. Life is short.

    Sent from my Transformer TF101 using Tapatalk 4
     
  12. Stringer Bell

    Stringer Bell Post Hard, Post Often Club Member

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    Some people just like the beginning of things.

    Sent from my HTC One using Tapatalk
     
  13. bigbry

    bigbry Huge Member

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    She is Bipolar.

    She needs medication.
     
  14. MikeHoncho

    MikeHoncho -=| Censored |=- Club Member

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    Just the tip?
     
  15. GridIronKing34

    GridIronKing34 Silently Judging You Club Member

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    Just to see how it feels...
     
  16. bigbry

    bigbry Huge Member

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    This cant be real. This has Opie written all over it.
     
  17. Aqua4Ever04

    Aqua4Ever04 Write Travis Write Club Member

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    I was convinced it was a part of maturing that I had to do and that I had overcome it. Now I find myself another crazy one and I find myself in the exact situation I always get myself in to.
     
  18. GridIronKing34

    GridIronKing34 Silently Judging You Club Member

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    We could make a ****ty sitcom.

    Let's call it How I Met Your Mother...
     
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  19. Aqua4Ever04

    Aqua4Ever04 Write Travis Write Club Member

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    Turned out the thing that "happened" was someone put a bunch of nails by her tires in her car and she just happened to go for a walk before she left and noticed them before she drove away. Apparently this kind of **** has been happening for years. She hears knocks on the windows at night sometimes, she's seen foot prints circling the house when it snows, someone arranged beer bottles on her front porch once, just countless taunting type of actions.

    I mean that sucks and all, but taking it out on your boyfriend seems silly to me. I've done my best to just deal with it and hope that it passes, but I'm not sure that it will.

    Like everyone said, I know what I SHOULD do, just not sure that I'm ready to do it yet. I'm like freakin Marie in Breaking Bad when Hank is being a **** sucker to her.
     
  20. unluckyluciano

    unluckyluciano For My Hero JetsSuck

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    I always read his posts with a nasally voice
     
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  21. unluckyluciano

    unluckyluciano For My Hero JetsSuck

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    she setting you up to **** you over. You need to haul *** out of there.
     
  22. bigbry

    bigbry Huge Member

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    How bout just pull your balls out of her purse and move along.
     
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  23. McLovin

    McLovin Resident Pats fan.

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    as much as it sucks, you need to move along. sounds like she has some baggage and some skeletons in her closet that you haven't even found yet.
     
  24. Sethdaddy8

    Sethdaddy8 New Member

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    Don't take this the wrong way but...have you considered dating men? Maybe you'll have more success.
     
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  25. unluckyluciano

    unluckyluciano For My Hero JetsSuck

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    worked for you?
     
  26. Sethdaddy8

    Sethdaddy8 New Member

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    I told you...I consider you a woman.
     
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  27. Clipse

    Clipse mediocrity sucks

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    Have to agree with the overall sentiment here. Time to move on. If she really cares, she'll get her **** together and then perhaps things can be reconciled. If not, well she didn't care so you obviously made the right decision.


    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
     
  28. unluckyluciano

    unluckyluciano For My Hero JetsSuck

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    so that's why you don't know what to do with me.
     
  29. Sethdaddy8

    Sethdaddy8 New Member

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    Yes
     
  30. McLovin

    McLovin Resident Pats fan.

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    you guys are so cute together.
     
  31. Sethdaddy8

    Sethdaddy8 New Member

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    Quit staring at his ****
     
  32. McLovin

    McLovin Resident Pats fan.

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    yes
     
  33. Aqua4Ever04

    Aqua4Ever04 Write Travis Write Club Member

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    I'm starting to think this is true. She has been completely withdrawn this week. Does that make me a bad person for giving up on her when it's very likely a mental illness?
     
  34. Fin D

    Fin D Derp Sherpa

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    No. You are not equipped to help her (that's not an insult, you're just not psychiatrist). In fact, adding your own issues and needs into her troubled life probably makes things worse.
     
  35. bigbry

    bigbry Huge Member

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    Do some reading about the issue. See how many symptoms she has.

    Then ask yourself why would you want to be with someone with that type of disorder.

    Then just ask out FinD to see what a severe case looks like.
     
  36. Aqua4Ever04

    Aqua4Ever04 Write Travis Write Club Member

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    I've spent a decent amount of time reading about that kind of stuff. You guys all know how big of a (for lack of a better word) ***** I am when it comes to dating. I'm emotional, sensitive and just plain needy. It sucks. But this is the first time I've been able to admit that. If nothing else, at least I learned that from this relationship.

    My plan is to work on that part of myself and not for her, but for me. I'm tired of being the one ran through the ringer in a relationship. It's time to just be a man and if that changes things back to the way they were, great. If not, well, I gave it my best.
     
  37. Ohiophinphan

    Ohiophinphan Chaplain Staff Member Luxury Box

    Please hear what your friends are saying! YOU ARE NOT A PSYCHIATRIST. Now in marriage you sign on "in sickness and in health" so if you want to marry her then stick with her.....and join a support group for spouses of folks with mental illness! If you want into this, you need to strongly analyze your motivations for why you want to put your head in the lion's mouth! That says a lot about you, most of which could use examining.

    I don't know if she is bi-polar or not. That requires a life time of meds and support. There are less medical answers in behavioral or developmental stresses which cause personality disorders. I do some counseling with these folks all the time. Only some of which need meds.

    We can make educated guesses at a distance but the only way to really diagnose is face to face. Both her and you my friend!!
     
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  38. unluckyluciano

    unluckyluciano For My Hero JetsSuck

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    I'll stop jumping on this trampoline
     
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  39. Jt0323

    Jt0323 Fins Up! Luxury Box

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    I feel like I do the same thing. My ex was like that in the beginning, she would text me she missed me and loved me all the time, then all of a sudden she got distant and to this day I still have no idea what went wrong. I tried to talk to her but she didn't want to talk. I just moved on. Girls are complicated as ****
     
  40. Aqua4Ever04

    Aqua4Ever04 Write Travis Write Club Member

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    Truth, man. I wish I was capable of just being like most guys and just saying, "**** it." But I'm pretty in my own head and extremely in touch with my own feelings. It's a curse.
     

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