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Situation with the ex and gettin back together

Discussion in 'Outreach Forum' started by Aqua4Ever04, Sep 1, 2012.

  1. Aqua4Ever04

    Aqua4Ever04 Write Travis Write Club Member

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    I find myself in a very difficult position. My girlfriend and I split up 3 months ago. We lived together for 2 years and it was basically 95% my fault it didn't work. I moved back home (3 hours away) and we talk on the phone every day. We met up 4 times in three months, had sex, acted like a couple yada yada yah. I was trying to get her back the whole time but wasnt having a lot of success. She kept saying she didn't know if I had really made changes and didn't know if we could ever work again however she wasn't ready to give me up.

    Throughout the 3 months, she had told me about his guy she was hanging out with and even had some feelings for. He knows about me and knows she's not looking for a relationship with anyone. She has sworn up and down that they don't sleep together and even told me yesterday theyve not even kissed.

    So on Wednesday she calls me and tells me she's had his realization that she just can't get over me and is willing to give me a chance to move back out here and prove that what I'm saying is true (I tell her we're meant to be together, I can make her truly happy, all that stuff.)

    So on a wimb, I decided to drive up last night and stay with her for he weekend and then shes gonna come my way on Tuesday for 2 days, things seem terrific. However, she works today and I'm alone in her house. Curious me decides to start snooping around and I found some condoms in the side table and then found wrappers in the trash.

    I mean I always suspected they were sleeping together but now I've got confirmation. I'm not steaming pissed like I thought I'd be. I'm confused. We had a great time last night, had incredible sex, and I'm still very muh in love with her.

    So my questions are, do I have a right to be upset that she slept with someone else while we're broken up? I'm mad that she lied but then again, she had no reason to tell me, we aren't together. She gets home tonight. Do I confront her? Do I ask her about it? Do I run for the hills and tell her to **** herself?

    I mean maybe she needed to be seeing someone else to realize how much she missed me? Little help here, please. I'm so ****ing confused.
     
  2. Aqua4Ever04

    Aqua4Ever04 Write Travis Write Club Member

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    Part of me thinks she just stringing me along and just enjoying having two guys but the other part of me thinks that I was competing with this other dude and just recently "won."
     
  3. slickj101

    slickj101 Is Water

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    [​IMG]
     
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  4. Rocky Raccoon

    Rocky Raccoon Spirit In The Night Club Member

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    Situations like this are hard to analyze. I mean, she's having sex with another guy, but she's allowed to because she's single. At the same time though, she's flat out lying to you and it seems like you can't trust her because you're snooping around. I don't blame you for it. I've been there too.

    My gut feeling says she's like any other girl out of a breakup and doesn't know what she wants. But she wants to keep you around as an option.

    Don't do it to yourself because it will drive you crazy. Give her time to decide what she really wants. Let her be single for a while and if then she still wants to give it a go, and you do as well, then go for it. But stop hanging out with her. Stop talking to her. It's not fair to you. Give her space and do your own thing.

    You've got to leave it alone.
     
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  5. How recently were the condoms used is what I would want to know. Sounds recent if she had not thrown out the thrash they were in. IMO thats not a good sign
     
  6. Laces Out

    Laces Out Well-Known Member

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    Well, honestly it isn't any of your business to call her out on an activity that happened while you were broken up. That said, the question that you need to ask yourself is 'can I still trust her?' and go from there.
     
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  7. gunn34

    gunn34 I miss Don & Dan

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    I agree with Rocky. Both of you take time away from one another. Really away. See other women, and then judge what you really want. Maybe the tables will turn and you will find her telling you what you used to tell her about being meant for each other.
     
  8. Jimmy James

    Jimmy James Ron Swanson

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    The sex she was entitled to. The lies she was not. Beyond that, if she's reasonably intelligent she had to know you'd find what you found. In fact, it could be a trap depending on what issues she had with you.

    I've dealt with a lot of crap in my marriage. The things that nearly ended it were lies. I think you have to confront her and that it is likely that yes a clean split from her is going to be best.
     
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  9. MikeHoncho

    MikeHoncho -=| Censored |=- Club Member

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    Stop being ***** whipped, son. Lotta other lonely and relatively non controlling honeys out there.DO NOT confront her about the sleeping-with-the-other-guy. And I'm being serious here.
     
  10. BigDogsHunt

    BigDogsHunt Enough talk...prove it!

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    You were on a break!!!!!!
     
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  11. cdz12250

    cdz12250 Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    You don't want a woman who is even slighty ambivalent as to whether she wants to be yours and exclusively yours. Trust me. You will save a lot of heartache and get yourself back on track to meeting the woman who will be your unconditional partner for the rest of your life if you cut the cord and move on.

    By the way, after you do, she will do all kinds of finagling to get you back, for a long time. She had her chance and blew it. Ignore her.
     
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  12. Aqua4Ever04

    Aqua4Ever04 Write Travis Write Club Member

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    So we were out last night and it came up, of course. Ruined everything. I'm sleeping in the guest room and Shes to be up in about in hour and I don't know what's gonna happen. I hate this.
     
  13. Desides

    Desides Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    If there are trust or honesty issues, it's not going to work and never will. Especially if she's trying to cover it up.
     
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  14. Laces Out

    Laces Out Well-Known Member

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    Apologize for bringing it up. Say it wasn't your business as it happened while you were broken up. Admit you were wrong. Don't EVER bring it up again.
     
  15. Jimmy James

    Jimmy James Ron Swanson

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    But for it having come up and a lie coming from her, this would be right. Even with the lie if it doesn't bug you, you could go this way. However, this bugged you enough to bring it here.

    You went there last night. It's either painfully work through it now by dropping it or talking through it or leaving. When my wife lied, I had 12 years into our marriage and a child. It is a still incomplete process working through it. You have little enough attachment here that you were broken up. You are the judge but I think from here it looks like cut your losses.
     
  16. Aqua4Ever04

    Aqua4Ever04 Write Travis Write Club Member

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    It sounds easy but I'm too damn weak.
     
  17. Jimmy James

    Jimmy James Ron Swanson

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    Oh none of it is easy and you're a lot stronger than you think.
     
  18. Laces Out

    Laces Out Well-Known Member

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    JJ is on point. It sucks ***, and it is rough to try to work through, but if it is worth the effort and is successful...it makes it that much better
     
  19. Aqua4Ever04

    Aqua4Ever04 Write Travis Write Club Member

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    I'm driving back home. I apologized for bringing it up and she apologized for lying. We squashed it and she is even keeping her plans to drive my way on Tuesday. As I sit here, I know she's my soulmate, I really do. But I feel like its never gonna happen and I'm trying to convince myself to tell her to kick rocks. But she's also my best friend but I know we could never be just friends because our history avd those feelings.

    I feel weird right now. Almost like hearing her admit it was closure for me. But Everytime I dustance myself she gets closer and I fall for it every single time. I know it won't be shy different. Part of me wants to just rail her for a few days then tell her to stop calling me.
     
  20. Rocky Raccoon

    Rocky Raccoon Spirit In The Night Club Member

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    Travis, I was in a situation eerily similar to yours.

    I dated a girl for almost 2 years. It was great for the most part, but things quickly soured and fell apart. Like you, a majority of it was my fault and we broke up at the beginning of last summer.

    We still kept in contact and would hang out every so often, maybe once a week or so. And yes, when we would hang out, we would do couple things. It drove me crazy because we weren't really together but I was still getting little tastes of being together again. I didn't know what she wanted and was to afraid to ask, fearing it could be over for good.

    I couldn't take it anymore and quit hanging out with her. I wouldn't ignore her, but I wouldn't speak to her on the phone or hang out with her. About a month after she called and wanted to meet up, crying and wanted to get back together. I was hesitant but gave it a try. A week into it the same problems came up. We were at eachother's throats and it soured quickly. I just couldn't trust her anymore and she couldn't handle my behavior anymore. In a span of 2 weeks she went from being willing to doing anything to get me back to walking away. A month after that she was dating someone else.

    My best guess was that she was lonely and confused and didn't know what she wanted. And when someone new and exciting came as an option for her the choice was easy.

    This may be exactly what's happening to you, so be careful. She may just be keeping you around as someone she knows well and is familiar with, but when something new comes along she'll be gone. But that's life.

    Good luck and PM me if you want to talk dude.
     
  21. Aqua4Ever04

    Aqua4Ever04 Write Travis Write Club Member

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    Yeah I fear that that is exactly what's going on. She keeps saying how great it would be if I lived up there again and we could casually date and take it slow. She says that since I'm the one that screwed up I should be the one that puts myself out there. That there's no guarantee that we will get back together but if I'm willing to do whatever it takes, I'll do it. So last might I said you understand how hard it is to do that knowing you hang out with this other guy and she thinks nothing should matter if I'm trying to win her back. I honestly think if I lived there we'd be back together by now. But it's scary as **** to chase her up there when it's not a guarantee.
     
  22. Jimmy James

    Jimmy James Ron Swanson

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    So if you come back she's still seeing that guy?

    Trust me, if that works for you more power to you. It doesn't work for a lot of people. Think it through.
     
  23. Aqua4Ever04

    Aqua4Ever04 Write Travis Write Club Member

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    Well they're not dating but she hangs out with him, yeah.
     
  24. Jimmy James

    Jimmy James Ron Swanson

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    You know we have been talking by PM. For the sake of everybody else I'd just say if you can handle that, I don't see a problem. I just hope it is understood non-exclusive applies to both of you.
     
  25. Aqua4Ever04

    Aqua4Ever04 Write Travis Write Club Member

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    I'm so damn confused. In the past 24 hours I've changed my mind on what I should do about 50 times

    1.) tell her we need to back off and just stop talking. Deep down it feels like its not gonna happen but there's reasons to believe it will.
    2.) make the jump and move back there and hope that shows we enough to make her wanna be with me.
    3.) wait and see, just continue this even though it has ultimate highs and lows.

    She's coming to visit me tomorrow night and it's the last game we have to see each other for quite a while. I can't make up my freakin mind.
     
  26. Tone_E

    Tone_E Season Ticket Holder Club Member

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    If you truly love something, you have to let it go to see if it comes back.

    Sorry for the cliche, but Rocky was right. Let her go, if she really loves you, she will be back. If not, you are better off knowing that so it is easier (not easy) to move on and carry on with your YOUNG life.
     
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  27. Jimmy James

    Jimmy James Ron Swanson

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    You may want to try a real girl thing here: make a list of the good and bad. I'll tell you this -- while none of us can say for sure what the right thing is, you need to make a decision on this by the time she gets there. If you don't, one way or another you'll be pissed you didn't just take the bull by the horns. Make a list. Think if this were your best friend what you'd tell him to do. Think about it hard and then make a choice and stick by it.

    ETA: Honestly, either way you go, this will work out how it is meant to. If you break it off and you are soul mates she'll eventually be back. If you move there and it's not meant to be neither of you can force it to work. This is why for your own sanity this is more about making a choice for you and seeing it through.
     
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  28. Aqua4Ever04

    Aqua4Ever04 Write Travis Write Club Member

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    Honestly the thing I'm most upset about is how good hings were on Friday. She was all about me in every way. Now that we had that argument, she still texts me but it's not the same tone. I know what I want, it's just difficult to get it.
     
  29. Jimmy James

    Jimmy James Ron Swanson

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    That says to me you're both regretful about Friday and it's awkward. Does that seem about right? If so, I'd say leave Friday and how things are at the moment out of it. That will pass.
     
  30. Aqua4Ever04

    Aqua4Ever04 Write Travis Write Club Member

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    No I mean how great things were. I found out in Saturday but she was all about me Friday. I want Friday back.
     
  31. Jimmy James

    Jimmy James Ron Swanson

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    You won't get it back immediately if you break it off. You might get it if you go live with her. You have to decide how important it is compared to everything else.
     
  32. Jaj

    Jaj Registered

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    Write it down on a sheet of paper (the whole situation). If you can honestly tell yourself that what you just wrote is the best you can do for yourself right now then stay with the situation. I doubt it is. Also she's being extremely selfish by lying to you.
     
  33. SICK

    SICK Lounge Moderator

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    Alright Travis, time for SICK to get real here.

    You guys lived together for years, broke up for 3 months and shes already seeing someone else, and sleeping with him so often, there are multiple condoms in the drawer, and used ones in the trash. Obviously, pretty recently she slept with this guy too. The entire time, you talked on the phone everyday, met up etc etc.....all the while she was texting and obviously getting something started with this guy (is it just one guy? You don't know)

    Then she doesnt even have the audacity to not throw out her garbage and get rid of the condoms when she knew you were coming over to stay for a length of time.

    Sorry to be blunt, but shes playing you like a fool bro. She's having her cake and eating it too. Think about all the times you talked on the phone over the last 3 months.....was he on his way? Did she say "i love you boo boo" and hang up and text this dude to come over? I am not you, and I don't want to tell you how to feel....but damn man, I'd get away from that, see someone else, truly give it a break, and see what happens. The fact you keep coming back, regardless if you are the reason it broke off in the first place, is keeping you in the palm of her hand......she cares about you....but within 3 months she's already banging other dudes and doing it often.....damn.

    Were you seeing anyone else in those 3 months? Did you have occassional hook ups? 3 months isnt much time to get over 2+ years of a relationship imo. Yes a random hook up might happen, but shes been "hanging out" with this one guy.....seems sketchy to me.

    Sorry bro.
     
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  34. Nappy Roots

    Nappy Roots Well-Known Member

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    Couldn't agree Sick anymore honestly. She is playing you, and its painfully obvious. I would suggest next time you guys have sex, tell her your done with her(gotta get one last nut before). Honestly your heading for a ship wreck imo.
     
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  35. unluckyluciano

    unluckyluciano For My Hero JetsSuck

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    yeah, she's basically saying "come up here, I'm probably going to continue banging this guy, and if it pleases me one day we'll get together." Sounds to me like she's running game on you. Not sure I'd move just so I can be closer while she runs game on me. Now she's saying if you really wanted me blah blah, yet she's basically going to punish you for a bit for whatever you did wrong in the past. So, if she really wanted you, would she ask you to do that knowing how it would feel? I'm going to say probably not. Time to kick her to the curb. The only way I can see you making a run at it, is if both of you get together, set some ground rules, and past transgressions are forgiven. Otherwise if you have to jump through hoops, you'll get tired of it. Trust me.
     
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  36. gunn34

    gunn34 I miss Don & Dan

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    Just start you a new life without all this headache.
     
  37. Jimmy James

    Jimmy James Ron Swanson

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    The problem is sometimes a man has to learn the hard way...
     
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  38. SICK

    SICK Lounge Moderator

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    As long as you "learn"
     
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  39. Aqua4Ever04

    Aqua4Ever04 Write Travis Write Club Member

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    Kinda weird twist. So I got into a car accident last night. I'm okay but
    My car is totaled. I'm a little freaked out and when I let her know, she lost it. It's weird how things were sort of put in to perspective for me. Someone blows a red light and your life changes I suppose. She's coming down my way for a few days and if nothing comes of it, if she can't at least tell me shell stop hanging out with someone else, then I'm going to tell her I'm moving on.

    It'll be nice to have three days of hot *** though. :)
     
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  40. SICK

    SICK Lounge Moderator

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    Gald you're ok.
     
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