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What to do now?

Discussion in 'Questions and Answers' started by Seeking Answers, Mar 5, 2010.

  1. Seeking Answers

    Seeking Answers New Member

    Nov 1, 2008
    I need to give a little history before I tell what happened.

    1994, I was with a girl who already had a kid...wound up also having a kid with her in 1996.

    1997, we broke up, and I moved out. We shared custody of the kid.

    1998, she dumps the kid on my doorstep, and I get involved in a huge legal battle for full custody. I eventually ran out of money and we went back to shared custody after she decided she was ready to have the kid again.

    1999, I remarried.

    2000, during the Titans/Rams Super Bowl, she called my wife saying that her new boyfriend (who she also had a kid with) beat the snot out of my kid. I left the party I was at, and we called the police to meet us there. The cops got there at the same time I did, but this punk started taunting me and I made a dash to him. A cop got in between us, and I now know what a billy club to my back feels like. The punk was arrested, and we were in court the next morning for emergency custody. The judge said that she could have custody back if she got away from this punk. She chose the punk, so my wife and I got custody.

    3 months later, my wife and I split up and eventually divorced. I had to put my kid into foster care because she was still with that punk...and pregnant with #4 of her litter. Also about that time, she lost custody of her first kid. Eventually, my mother got custody of the kid, and they moved away in 2003. Their address and telephone number never changed, but the mother never bothered to call, visit, or anything. SHe hasn't seen the kid since before they moved away, and with the exception of once in 2004, she hadn't talked to her on the phone at all. All through that time, I would talk on the phone regularly and visit as much as I could, and even got the kid to come stay with me on school breaks. My kid has stated regularly how hurt she was by her mom, and how angry she is at her, and never wants to see her again, etc.

    2008, I got married a second time, and my wife and I moved to the state where my mom and kid live to be closer to the kid.

    2010, the mother (now married to yet another guy, with 2 kids with him for a total of 6 from 4 different guys) decides she wants to get in touch with the kid after all this time, finds me on facebook, and sends me a bull**** story saying how she lost the contact info for my mom. (as I said, their address and telephone number never changed, and anyone with half a brain could use anywho.com or 411) I called my mom, and asked her what she wanted me to do. She said to give the contact info. So, I did, and she called, and based on a few conversations, my mom and daughter are convinced that she has changed. Everything is all right now, and life is peachy.

    Last night, my daughter called me to tell me the "good news" and at first, I was stunned. Then, it sank in, and I got VERY angry, and I tore into her. Then my mom gets on the phone, and tears me a new ***. I asked her how in the hell she is going to be convinced that this welfare mom has changed based on a few phone conversations, and she is ready to let my daughter go back to her, no questions asked. I tried telling both that she as a 13 year old, and the oldest of 5 kids (remember she lost custody of her first kid) will wind up being cramped into a tiny room with roommates, and will likely just wind up being the free babysitter so they can go out. I also asked what happens when the newness wears off, etc.

    Needless to say, it was not a very pleasant conversation, and I hurt my daughter badly with my words. I even said "well, you're going to do whatever you want, and you and my mom obviously are going to do it anyway, regardless of how I feel about it, so go ahead and do it. You do NOT have my blessing on it though."

    So, how do I get out of this without my daughter hating me? She likely has already called Saint Mommy about it, and she has probably voiced her opinion as well. I feel terrible about what I said. I should have handled it differently, but it caught me so off guard that I freaked. I don't care about my mother because she has been a real ***** ever since I got married a second time, especially after I moved here for some reason. I will likely never forgive her. I only want to patch this up with my daughter.

    Any thoughts?
  2. gunn34

    gunn34 I miss Don & Dan

    Jan 5, 2008
    Oviedo FL
    Just let your daughter know that the choice is hers. And in your opinion it's a bad choice. I would tell her that you will always be there for her regardless of the choices she makes. If they turn out differently then she expects, you'll still be there to offer encouragement and support. Probably what she was looking for when she spoke to you the first time.

    Don't let your opinion of her mother jade your support for her.
  3. Phinvader Bill

    Phinvader Bill The all new Mr. Event

    May 1, 2009
    Columbia, SC
    Gunn, Thanks. That's the approach I took.
  4. SICK

    SICK Lounge Moderator

    Nov 29, 2007
    Charlotte NC
    always be there for your daughter no matter what. she deserves to try to resolve things with her mother on her own if she wants to. regardless if you know 100% it wont work, she has to find out for herself. but always be there incase she needs to come back. im sure its been horribly tough on your daughter.......just always be there bro to guide her.

    also i would maybe patch things up with YOUR mom, shes done alot for you. from the sounds of this thread she has pretty much supported and raised YOUR child.....id give her a little more leeway and respect imo.

    but good luck with whatever you do, i hope it all works out....and if you need anything at all my friend, my pm box is open!
    Big E likes this.
  5. azfinfanmang

    azfinfanmang Premium Member Luxury Box

    Nov 23, 2007
    Really really tough situation brother.
    I think Chris is offering very sound advice.
    First and foremost, you have to prove that you will always always be there for your daughter. With the fragility involved with her Mom, she's gonna need that from you....regrettably, it might be often.
    I have two daughters myself, and I understand how important a relationship between a daughter and Father are. Don't ever let anybody discount that, including yourself, and Nature will run its own proper course.
    As always, lots of support in here.
    Hope it all turns out good brother.
    SICK likes this.

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