Very long story short, my wife and sister in law used to be extremely close, several incidents have happened and now they are at the point of never speaking again. I have already stepped in once and pulled thing back from the ledge. The most recent issue is over an act they see eye to eye on, but disagree with the handling of the aftermath of the act. About 9 months ago, the sister in law's kids were staying with their grandma(their mom) and step-grandpa, and step-grandpa disciplined the kids by spanking them with a single swat each with a belt. Both my wife and sister disagree with the use of a belt. My wife thinks this could have been solved with a conversation( I agree completely), and the sister in law has gone full on nuclear, never speaking to the stepfather, kids can't be around him, etc.... She has recently even gone as far as cutting ties with both of us because we don't "support" her in her irrational quest for retribution for "her boys". My issue is twofold. I would rather have absolutely nothing to do with the mental midget of a sister in law, but I also want to support my wife, and she still wants to see our nephews. I also would love to speak my mind on the issue, and I really don't care about effects. What should I do? Should I continue to suck it up and drive on because I love my wife? Or should I do what my first instinct is and verbally eviscerate this mental midget and cut my losses? I know that being logical will not get through to the sister in law, but I know I will feel better once I speak my mind to her, and it will be less polite than the last time I stepped in and said something.
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Its your wife's sister, that makes it her call not yours. However your wife wants you to handle the situation is what you should do. Its not right for you to do anything that could hurt their relationship further, unless your wife consents. If she agrees with you and is fine with what you want to do, then go for it, life is too short to appease and keep peace with everyone. Again though, its not your sister so it shouldn't be your call.Ohiophinphan likes this.
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Ohiophinphan Chaplain Staff Member Luxury Box
I was widowed for three years before remarrying and it was amazing how fast the words, "yes, dear", returned to my vocabulary. Doesn't matter what your wife says now, step away and let it be handled within her biological family. Support her and smile bravely.
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The old guy has seriously impaired judgment or a lack of brains, taking a belt to someone else's kids who are only his step-grandchildren to boot. I wouldn't dream of doing that even to my own grandchildren, if I had any; that's strictly a parental prerogative. I'm not going to get into a political correctness debate; just suffice it to say that it isn't generally viewed as acceptable anymore even for parents to use a belt for discipline. It should have dawned on him that the decision to apply that kind of discipline belongs exclusively to the parents. Your sister-in-law has a perfect justification for feeling the way she does. Her parental rights have been infringed.
What she is not justified in doing is demanding that you join her in her ostracism of the old guy. That infringes upon your personal discretion. Saying that she will never speak to him again and will never let the kids be around him again is her prerogative as a parent. Demanding that you also cut all ties with him is presumptuous to say the least. I'm sure you already think that the old fellow is somewhat judgment-impaired and not too bright. Beyond that, your sister-in-law has no right to demand that you share in applying the consequences she is visiting on the old guy. Suggest to your wife that she logically explain to your sister-in-law how she is infringing on her (and your) personal prerogatives; how the consequences you apply to the old guy's lack of judgment belong exclusively to you. Share your opinion that he is a dodo, and explain that your reluctance to cut him out of the family entirely does not mean that you don't think what he did was radically wrong. It may take her a while to come around, but she probably will, eventually. -
Write a letter saying what you want to say. Give it to your wife. Tell her you're going to assume she mailed it but that's up to her. You'll get the emotional release and your wife can control whether to go nuclear in her relationship with her sister.
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Of course, I will be the first one to admit what you are already thinking: that this is an emotional dispute and it's going to be very difficult to apply logic.
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I wrote a diplomatically worded email and sent to my wife. Thanks for all the help fellas!Ohiophinphan likes this.
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shula_guy Well-Known Member
1. unless kids are being abused, You and your wife need to stay out of it.
2. your sis in law needs to handle her step father without dragging everyone else into it
3 your sis in law needs to grow up and stop using your wifes love for her kids as leverage over her. Its manipulitive and I would not tolerate it from hergunn34 likes this. -
They aren't and we do. Unfortunately for everyone around my sister in law she won't let it go and always comes back to it.
Isn't happening. This happened in January, we are still dealing with the fallout.
I don't stand for it, which is why I am at the crossroads I am. I respect my wife enough to get her blessing before saying anything. -
Sister in law chose the nuclear option in relationships with my wife, her mother, and myself. Oldest nephew has a birthday party planned for Saturday, mother in law doesn't even want to go due to feeling unwelcome, wife wants to go because she loves the nephews and doesn't want her sister being a POS get in the way of that, and I am ready to cut my losses and move on after amending and sending the email I sent to my wife. Logic will not prevail here, and unfortunately I have lost my patience with the BS. I didn't choose the nuclear option, but by God, I will win at it.
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Ohiophinphan Chaplain Staff Member Luxury Box
I understand your sentiments, truly having twice been married into large families, I do understand. That said "winning" in this type of situation is having the family be at peace. You may "win" the nuclear exchange to your satisfaction but at what cost? Be the bigger man and take the high road no matter what. That is what will make you a winner in the long run.
What ever happens, best wishes to you and yours. Sounds like it is needed!