[Merged] Why Your Team Sucks 2015: Miami Dolphins
13 replies
SamphinNew MemberOPWhat’s new that sucks: CONGRATULATIONS, MIAMI! You won the Ndamukong Suh Sweepstakes! That’s 60 million guaranteed for the most inevitable free agent tank job since Albert Haynesworth. Did I mention that Suh has already skipped out on the team’s offseason workouts? KNOCK ME OVER WITH A ****ING FEATHER, which Suh will then stomp on. Yes, nothing says you’ve rid your team of its bullying ways like importing the dirtiest man in football and handing Mike Pouncey a five-year contract extension. Holy Jesus. Say what you will about the New York Jets: At least they don’t intend to have the locker room meltdown every year. In Miami, that’s all by design.
One of the best annual rituals on Deadspin. I love these pieces. :lol:
http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2015-miami-dolphins-1723928510
DevilFin13SupporterLove Deadspin. I'm obviously biased. So I would have put the Marino stuff more like, "The Dolphins have been so bad since around the late 70s that they got the greatest QB ever and only got him to one super bowl, and they got blown out in that one".
2 paragraphs in and I'm already dying LOL...
Your quarterback: Ryan Tannehill, who has toes for thumbs. Ten years from now, Tannehill will still be playing for the Dolphins and everyone will still be like, “Is he good? He may not be good.” It’s hard to tell when you’re getting sacked 46 times a year. The Dolphins handed Tannehill a contract extension this offseason because A) Andrew Luck and Russell Wilson hadn’t signed extensions yet, so they still had a small window in which to lowball Tannehill, and B) Since Dan Marino retired, this team will cling like Rob Konrad to a piece of driftwood to ANYONE who might potentially be a marginally capable quarterback. It’s just a shame that Tannehill gets better protection from his wife's arsenal than from his teammates up front.
SamphinNew MemberI spoke to Drew Magary about this piece on Twitter. I told him to admit that he is just bitter because Marino chose to retire rather than play for his Vikings. He...begrudgingly agreed.
Rocky RaccoonStaffI was going to say Sam. I saw Drew retweeted you. :lol:
texanphinaticForum VeteranWhy our team sucks -Satire
Amazing stuff! :lol: Deadspin does one for each team, read them all! The Browns are always a top notch one.
http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2015-miami-dolphins-1723928510
Some of my favorites:
Your coach: Joe Philbin. Still not fired! We’ll get there. Beats having Nick Saban around, though.
B) Since Dan Marino retired, this team will cling like Rob Konrad to a piece of driftwood to ANYONE who might potentially be a marginally capable quarterback. It’s just a shame that Tannehill gets better protection from his wife’s arsenal than from his teammates up front.
In other news, the Dolphins have helped out Tannehill by clearing out the entire receiving corps and bringing in Jordan Cameron (hurt), Greg Jennings (old), Kenny Stills (bad), and Devante Parker (rookie). This is keeping with owner Stephen Ross’s plan of surrounding the team with people who kinda LOOK like stars but are not. Like Fergie. Did you know Fergie is a part-owner of this train wreck? She’s even listed in the official directory…
*edit* Thanks for merge, my browser wasn't showing new posts for some reason.
Also, the comments from fans they run at the end are amazing!
Ask any Dolphins fan what the 2015 season will hinge on and they will bring up guard play. That’s right: guard play. The Dolphins struggle finding two competent starters for what amounts to be the least-skilled and most abundant position in the entire sport. We Miami fans imagine that Bill Belichick simply finds two fat derelicts rummaging through a dumpster out behind a Boston Pizza each year and turns them into a Super Bowl-winning line while we can’t keep our clueless quarterback off the grass 50 times a year with 2nd-round picks. The only good guard the Fins have had since Keith Sims is Richie Incognito, the football player equivalent of the Confederate Flag.
GARDENHEADSupporter"If you want to see this football team completely implode and **** the bed, tell them they only need to win 1 game against meaningless teams to get into the playoffs. Feel free to bet your life savings against it...they cannot and will not do it."
Tanking is like taking a Greyhound bus cross-country. Sure, it may eventually get you where you want to go, but it’s messy and unpleasant and uncomfortable, it stinks, the entire time you’ll be wishing you weren’t there, and not everybody along for the ride is going to make it to the end. - Quote stolen from Deadspin
MonstBlitzForum VeteranAlso: Dion Jordan has been suspended for the entire season. This doesn’t really affect the Dolphins, since they drafted him only to play on every eighth third down during the ninth phase of the lunar cycle. Highly, highly situational player. He’ll be back when the roof is finally up.
:lol::lol::lol:
**** you once again Jeffrey Ireland, you smarmy ginger nerd.
Puka-headSupporter"Tannehill gets better protection from his wife’s arsenal than from his teammates up front."
"The last time the Dolphins were really good, we had two white running backs."
"Philbin looks like the albino love child of Skeletor and Rick Scott"
Those were my favorite Zingers.
Poor Matt Moore can't even get enough recognition to be dissed. (Still think hes the best back up out there)
Dolphins1BeatlesForum VeteranI fear this one will happen (again):
Matt: This is the most talented roster we’ve had in 12 years. Harvard says we’re the best team in the AFC. Tom Brady is (for now) suspended for 25% of the season. And the Jets and Bills have the combined QB talent of Doug Funny. We’ll go 8-8. **** Joe Philbin.
Sam: I have now had three decades of my dad regaling me with stories of the glory days he got to see, all while I am stuck following a team who I’ve only seen play in the Super Bowl in Ace ****ing Ventura.
And this one is painfully true:
Julio:
Every year follows pretty much the same script:
- Hey! We signed (insert BIG OVERPAID FREE AGENT name here)! I’m feeling pretty good about this season!
- ::BIG OVERPAID FREE AGENT disgruntled or injured by game 6::
- That draft pick is not bad! I can see him being a solid contributor
- ::Draft pick is bullied and gives up or is injured by week 7::
- We beat the Patriots/Seahawks/other team expected to do well early in the season!
- Lose 5 games in a row immediately after
- Ok, we’ve still got a shot at this. All we have to do is beat the 1-14 Jets in the last game and we’re in the playoffs!
- Lose to the Jets by 30
- Get obnoxiously drunk and talk **** about how much it sucks to be a Dolphins fan
And this from the comments:
The Dolphins replaced their happy Dolphin jumping through a hoop logo with one floundering while gasping for its last breath, which has to be the most on-brand logo change in history.
1972 Miami Dolphins - The ONLY Perfect NFL Team
K I K O
padre31Luxury Boxthey could be good, the offensive line apparently more concerned with protecting 48 oz fountain drinks than Ryan Tannehill..whose wife is welcome distraction among all the other really attractive women of Miami..oh wait
Kenny Still replacing Mike Wallace? Oh nice, Nola had fire sale and Miami bought a floor lamp, while trading away a ferrari..but they got Suh..who does not score Td's..and to double down on mediocrity..they kept the fg kicker..oh..that should cause dolphins fans to sleep well at night...
Dolphins1BeatlesForum VeteranBuffalo Bills: Pure Gold. http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2015-buffalo-bills-1724824323
Lots of pissing in sinks at the Ralph it seems.
Thomas:
The British burned this city during the War of 1812- I am pissed they haven’t come back to finish the job.
1972 Miami Dolphins - The ONLY Perfect NFL Team
K I K O
"Dolphins1Beatles wrote:
Buffalo Bills: Pure Gold. http://deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2015-buffalo-bills-1724824323
Lots of pissing in sinks at the Ralph it seems.
Thomas:
The British burned this city during the War of 1812- I am pissed they haven’t come back to finish the job.
That is a great article. Hilarious. Sad part of course they ended w/ a better record than us.
Oh, and all time classic audience pic there too. :lol: