So, you guys know all about the struggles I went through with my older daughter the past 4 or 5 years...she has borderline personality disorder and she's been in and out of temporary-stay juvenile psych wards over and over again. Fortunately though, she is scared enough of the adult facilities to actually take her medicine and stay pretty balanced out...she's ALMOST 100% normal on her meds.

Another big thing that helped was her moving in with my wife's parents about 8 months ago; I just think she needed to get away from us since she has so much resentment in our home. There hasn't been any serious meltdowns since she left but then again, they don't challenge her on anything either. She doesn't clean up after herself, doesn't take care of her dog, doesn't have a job anymore, etc...so there's zero stress involved and nothing to stress out over.

Plus, she's smoking weed (illegally) which mellows her out anyway.

A big part of her doing better though is a guy that she's been dating- they were friends for a long time and she wasn't interested in him at all. But this guy was always there for her, always supportive, and he could often calm her down before she started to go ballistic when nobody else could. They finally started dating about four months ago, started sleeping together maybe 6 weeks ago and then a "promise ring" came immediately after that.

The boyfriend is madly in love and will do everything he can for my daughter, plus he's a really good guy. I mean, he's spending 8+ hours on his days off doing chores around my wife's parents house...chopping wood, painting rooms, etc. He's 23ish, a meat cutter at a grocery store and seems pretty career-driven, so I'm not worried about him being there for her or supporting her. I mean, they'll be broke...but they'll get by.

But part of borderline personality is obsessions and as soon as the promise ring arrived, my daughter wanted to get married right away. An engagement ring came two weeks later, mainly out of pressure from my daughter for the guy to get it NOW. And I'm thinking in my mind that this is going to be an absolute train wreck- she's nowhere near ready to be a life partner and support this guy like she should. So when he asked for my blessing, I said no because he was going to get crushed if he rushed into this...he's never seen my daughter at her worst and she's not putting in any work to be able to deal with life challenges.

Now my kid has gone full bridal though, she's already bought a dress (that the boyfriend paid for) and she expects us to pay for the entire wedding of 300+ guests and growing. For now, the wedding is penciled in for July.

Statistically, this marriage has about a 1% change of being successful due to my daughter's conditions. But at the same time, how hard do I actually push against it? Do I bide my time and let it self-destruct on it's own? Do I support them and just cross my fingers? I don't think my kid can handle a breakup of this magnitude but she won't do anything to better herself so the marriage can work.

So what the heck do I do?

 

That helps A LOT Steve, thank you. She hasn't gone to counseling at all anymore because she figured the problem was us- now that nobody asks her to do anything, she feels like she's cured and the therapy is not necessary. And like I said, the boyfriend has seen her sad/depressed, but never in a complete meltdown mode where she will say the most hurtful thing imaginable just to hurt you and ultimately get her way.

This may not make much sense to anyone here but you, but I love my daughter very much....and I also hate her for the unfair wrath she brings when someone tries to help her. It's always a glaring double standard since she abuses away, yet if we say, "You're being mean," then she thinks we're the devil for offending her so badly. So then she treats us even worse moving forward....that was the loop we were stuck in before she moved out.

Like you, I don't have the answer either...I have no freaking clue what to do. I am extremely concerned for the boyfriend though- he knows what's going on but at the same time he really doesn't have a clue of what he's signing up for. Does that make sense?

 

You have no idea how much your perspective helps because you once thought like her (or still do to some extent). I can't tell you how much I appreciate just chatting with you and gaining your insights. And honestly, I don't know if my daughter is BPD or not. The one great psychiatrist we saw thinks so because she's so manipulative, but you get diagnosis from a checklist and half the things on there could be from immaturity. We do know she's bipolar since she has the high highs and the really low lows, but the rest is almost anyone's guess.

She's also very lazy at home- is that a lack of self worth or simply part of the manipulation saying "you can't make me clean up after myself?" Nobody really knows.

I see my daughter almost daily since we live close to the boyfriend, and she stopped by last night when nobody else was home. So I told her, "We have to talk and you're probably not going to like what I have to say." She remained calm and agreed. So I laid everything out for her...how hard marriage is, how she's doing well because she's in a stress-free environment, and how desperately she needs counseling now before she walks down the aisle. I explained that if she really loves this guy, she needs to put in the work to make sure she can deal with challenges in life since marriage is full of them (lack of money, lack of time, little freedom from being so busy, etc.). I laid it all out and she calmly listened.

I explained that if she didn't do this now, her marriage wouldn't have a very good chance of lasting and I didn't think she'd be able to handle the breakup without being admitted somewhere.

Her response was that she tried to stop herself and think whenever the boyfriend makes her mad- she doesn't yell at him and they can usually talk through their problems (which is HUGE). She also said that she's matured a lot over the past nine months and she tries hard not to make rash decisions, but she would be open to counseling if the insurance can cover most of the costs. I also mentioned joining a help group and she was receptive to that....so all the right answers were there with the right attitude. I kept waiting for the meltdown from me "judging her" and it never came; she took the high road and just listened.

I also told her that she needed to stop being so lazy- she had to help clean up, cook meals, etc. The boyfriend can't work and do it all, and if she allows that to happen then eventually he's going to get burnt out and resentful. She argued a little here but nothing outside a regular conversation, so I really have my fingers crossed that some of this sunk in. I do think she loves the guy enough to want to make this work.

Here's what I'm wondering...should I ask her to move back in with us so I can help with getting her to therapy? We took her off the road because she wrecked two cars and refused to slow down, and I don't think it would be a good idea for us to put her back in a car at this time. If we brought her home then at least she'd be getting pushed again towards being responsible, taking care of her dog, cleaning up after herself, etc. Nobody else pushes this stuff because they're walking on eggshells afraid of the bomb to go off...which they've never fully witnessed. But I think she needs to be pushed, at least to the point where she's being an equal family member so she knows what to expect being married and dealing with life.

My daughter will turn 19 in month from now and she has really matured a lot over these last 9 months. I'm just so scared that once she gets under some real pressure, she'll slide right back into that familiar path and become ultra depressed. She is finally on the right medicines and that's a huge help, but as you said the meds don't fix anything...they just curb the worst of her emotional swings. So do you think I should be optimistic here....or really scared?

The big thing is that while my daughter hates me more than anyone, she also knows that I probably understand her the most. I was always the one pushing her though, keeping her on track and taking the abuse when she didn't get her way, so it really is a love/hate relationship that's hard to explain. She does know that I have answer though....or at least that I'll find the answers if I don't know.

However, the wild card here is that I had a heart attack a year and a half ago from all the stress she created (and working nonstop to be able to afford all her therapies/in-house stays/family traveling). So it's a double-edged sword...if she regresses, we'll have to kick her out again. That makes this a lot more complicated.

 

Quick update- my 19 year old called two days ago and said she was getting married at the county library within the next 15 minutes; they decided not to wait for a real wedding this summer. So that happened...

Anyway, we're crossing our fingers and hoping for a miracle. The guy she married is a really good dude and he has a solid work ethic, so it's possible everything will work out just fine. I'm pretty worried that my daughter's mental issues will get out of control once she gets comfortable in the marriage, but all I can really do is hope at this point. Since she's married, I'm pretty sure our insurance will drop her within the next couple of days/weeks, so hopefully she gets on her husband's insurance quickly.

 

Funny enough, they are both highly related. We couldn't get a gun until she moved out. =)

 

No reason to be sorry- I completely get it. Nobody has seen our daughter to the degree that we have; I was told for years and years that we were overreacting or being controlling parents. Then someone would see my kid explode and they'd be like, "Oh...okay. We didn't expect that...I see what you were talking about."

My daughter is not in therapy even though she desperately needs it. She seems very stable for now, but then again she's not working and has zero stress on her...anyone can be stable like that. I know she loves the guy though and she tries to keep her feelings/emotions in check around him, to take a breath before reacting, etc...to me it just feels like a ticking time bomb though. I give the marriage maybe a 5% chance but we are crossing our fingers and really rooting for them.

The guy is a really good dude though and practically worships her, so there is a chance it works. It's just not a very good chance. The thing I'm the most worried about is her meds- she tends to stop taking them when she's happy and feels balanced. After 2-3 weeks of no medication, that's when all hell breaks loose.

As to your situation, that old girlfriend probably did really love you and want things to work- it's just a different wiring. Their brains work overtime making up ways for everything around them to fail and they make themselves paranoid that people have turned against them, etc. I'm sure it's a crappy way to live because you end up destroying all your relationships with friends, family, etc. basically over nothing.

 

Well, about two weeks ago they ran off to the courthouse and got married- we were given 15 minutes notice if we wanted to rush over there and attend. I was outside covered in dirt/grass when I got the message so my wife went and I didn't. My parents were furious they weren't invited- it was a typical Alyssa thing to do on impulse and expect everyone else to come running at her beckoned call.

So far though, they seem to be doing okay. He works all day so she's at his dad's home alone sleeping...which will quickly lead to depression. He got her a job though at the grocery store where he's a meat cutter- she starts next Tuesday and we're hoping that works out. They seem fairly happy though from what little I've seen of them; the guy still hasn't talked to me other than to say hi. He's just not a big talker to anyone though.

Anyway, they'll make it the first month and they're talking about getting their own place to live soon. We'll see what happens and I'll keep everyone updated. We are still having the big wedding at our house in July if they make it that long; so far it seems like they will!